From Pillar to Post: How the EPA is Powering the Great American Rollback

There’s a new guy in charge of the EPA, Lee Zeldin, and he’s coming in hot (just like our planet (2024 was the hottest year on record)), laying out his shiny new initiative titled “Powering the Great American Comeback.” In case you missed this breaking news (it was exclusively premiered on Breitbart), it is now featured on the EPA website for all to read. 

Now, looking at the title alone, Powering the Great American Comeback sounds like America will invest in green technologies that will benefit our economy, preserve our planet, and reduce greenhouse gas emissions, right? Not even close. Sorry to get your hopes up. (Seriously, that was unkind.)  

In case you are one of the 61% of Americans who are concerned about the climate crisis, Mr. Zeldin offered reassurance that we need not be worried about the “predictions of climate change ending the world” because “the world is still here.” Kind of like if you were living in Altadena, California two months ago, there was no need to worry about the threat of wildfire because the neighborhood “is still here.” So when, exactly, should I start worrying? When the flames sweep across my driveway? When the water splashes onto the second floor? When the tornado twists two houses away? I’ll await further instructions… 

What we do know is that Zeldin has a five-pillared plan for how the EPA, under his leadership, will power America’s great comeback. Extra credit challenge: try to figure out how some of these pillars relate to environmental protection! 

Pillar 1: Clean Air, Water and Land for Every American. This initiative sounds on mission for the EPA but quickly goes off the rails. After praising Trump’s environmental achievements (sorry, did I miss something?), it promises that the EPA will “remain good stewards of tax dollars.” Tax dollars? Maybe that’s what he meant when he said conservation is a core conservative principle (see Pillar #3, below).  

Pillar 2: Restore American Energy Dominance. This promises that pursuing energy independence and dominance will result in lower costs for American consumers. Trump promised to cut energy prices in half for US consumers with a simple formula: increase production and decrease regulation. Experts doubt this will halve prices, but what’s certain is that this strategy will pump way more warming gases into the atmosphere. It seems the “environment” being protected under this pillar is the one in which oil and gas companies continue to make record-setting profits while the planet gets warmer and warmer.  

Pillar 3: Permitting Reform, Cooperative Federalism, and Cross-Agency Partnership. Administrator Zeldin wants to make sure that businesses aren’t held back by pesky permitting processes and pledges that the EPA will “ensure projects are being approved.” He also promises to restore the EPA to its core mission of “conservation” which he argued is a “core conservative principle.” Makes perfect sense, right? Conservation implies preservation and protection and Zeldin has pledged to preserve and protect the ability of big businesses to pollute for profit. 

Pillar 4: Make the United States the Artificial Intelligence Capital of the World. I’m not sure what Artificial Intelligence has to do with the EPA, but in terms of intelligence, Mr. Zeldin displayed an alarming inability to answer basic questions about climate science during his senate confirmation hearing, stating, “I don’t sit before you as a scientist.” Lack of information did not stop him, however, from accusing the Biden administration of scandalously “tossing gold bars off the Titanic.” He also repeated the gold bars story on the front page of the EPA’s website, referencing a report from Project Veritas (an ironically-named, far-right wing activist group that only the most generous of souls would consider a “news” outlet). I asked ChatGPT, “Is it true that the Biden administration threw gold bars off the Titanic as reported by Project Veritas?” and was assured by the AI chatbot that no gold bars were harmed during the Biden administration. ChatGPT clarified, “This referred to allocating funds to nonprofits, states, tribes as quickly as possible before the incoming administration could potentially halt these initiatives.” It’s almost like the Biden administration had a crystal ball. Perhaps Zeldin’s inability to sort fact from fiction is not a personal failure but simply a failure of intelligence. The good news is America is already the Artificial Intelligence capital of the world—so mission accomplished! He can consult AI today to advise him on the merits of environmental protection and catch him up to speed on the latest climate science. He still won’t be a scientist, but at least he’ll be an informed hypocrite. 

Pillar 5: Protecting and Bringing Back American Auto Jobs. You might be able to argue that this might possibly make sense for the Environmental Protection Agency if the auto jobs sought to be “brought back” focused on manufacturing environmentally friendlier vehicles. But, no. “Affectionately known in America First activist circles as “the Legend of Zeldin,’” he’s pledged to end America’s “obsession with electric vehicles and give consumers the choice to get gas-powered vehicles.” Now, I haven’t been vehicle shopping in a minute and was unaware that the choice had been taken away from me. He went on to clarify his pro-choice position, stating that “we respect choice and optionality” in America. So, if you need to cross state lines to get an abortion, it’s reassuring to know that your fundamental right to choose—gas or electric—will be preserved by the EPA. 

So, there you have it. The Legend of Zeldin has revealed his master plan for powering the great American comeback. Unfortunately, the only thing being conserved under his brand of conservative conservation is a return to the days when regulations were scant, protections were few, and the environment could be pillaged for profit. Zeldin’s comeback promises a hotter, dirtier, stormier future, which is great if you’re an adult film star. Or the new EPA chief.